Two years ago, we lost our beautiful Norwegian Forest cat Violet to cancer. Nothing can ever prepare you for that: the loss of a pet hits as deeply as that of a family member because they are a family member. This post, and this poetry is a tribute to her.
April Thirtieth was Taken
For Violet
Wish I kept every
scrap I had of you.
A piece of fur
A test tube
is all I have of you.
All I have
is taken.
It hurts knowing you are gone,
It hurts knowing you are there.
Death take me with you
take me from this
because of this
coats are stuffed in the attic
and my scarf still feels warm.
paws on the violet throw
naïve, too soon to know
I cling to the memory as its all I have
looking at pictures to get Time back
bunny hops down the stairs,
chirrups washing my hair
the scratches that scarred my hand never
Scarred as much as this.
It’s an aching, it’s an itch.
Used to seeing your face by
the door and opening it
to see emptiness.
It hurts knowing you are gone,
It hurts knowing you are not there.
I should have known what
I already knew.
No coffee, no water
only a blank space.
A ginger man and a nurse
examined you in a clinic
twenty-one miles from home.
I lost myself
From Then.
We lost those almond eyes
From Then.
I thought I heard you
around the house
I dreamt it.
Echoes remain in the
silent corners where
you once slept.
All I have
is taken.
Time stopped,
‘she’ a prisoner
to the numb no feeling.
Reliving moments where
I would lie next to you.
The dent in the throw
is replaced by a dent
in my heart.
There is nothing left
Left is nothing but to cry
letting go of you
Hurt, sorry it
absolutely fucking Killed.
A sight I wish I could let go
the screams, the howls.
I ran in the rain,
to carry the pain.
Bloodshot eyes stay
under a stained mattress
wet with worry.
I promised to keep you alive,
alive in my head.
no, I can’t comprehend that you are d-
I speak of you Did I hear you, Let me hear you, Can I hear you
to you it’s you it’s you it’s you it’s not you
every and each day. Anymore.
Give me seven extra days or
Seven more seconds
Wet fur wet eyes
Wet mask wet cries
Box sat in my lap
there’s nothing that can move me
death stroked your tail
Five minutes in the car
are five minutes too far
Was it too soon?
Soon enough for us to break
saying the last goodbye
and I see your eyes, your eyes, your eyes
I watched you move
I watched you sleep
I watched you stop
I watched you until
they gave you back to me
wrapped in a colourful towel
Forever. You are ours.
Eye burst
bloodshot eye
cannot comprehend
I search the house
like a crime scene
the tail that haunts me
caresses me. Cruel world
crueller illness
I search myself
Cut myself in
Hand myself in
Don’t leave me
I cried.
Cut myself in
parts and try.
Grief is a sickness and
God, I am sick.
Give me back the moments I had
wet kisses, fishy licks
that life back is all I want
Tell me not to miss you,
let it be me Instead, I want hope,
I want happiness, but I can’t
without you, I just can’t
I kissed the soil on Christmas day and read you a letter,
wearing pyjamas , old trainers sinking into the grass
prayed that like a phoenix you
would rise again.
Scattered my tears on the ground,
held your favourite butterfly close to me
puddles left my body
to water the plants
weeps and cries are all that is left
whilst the chime of Champagne Glasses laugh
at my emptiness
its Christmas day? Have a glass, they say
but there is nothing to celebrate when you are away
picking out the splinters that don’t cut
as deep as this does.
When you are gone,
I will stay.
When I am gone,
we will stay.
I will never leave
This house.
Because your memory is
its most precious memory.
No amount of love fills
the love you gave.
Replace all
And you remain.
April Thirtieth was Taken II
It was your second birthday.
It is your second year
I lie hopeful that one day
I won’t be in fear
Life so heavy,
yours a memory.
crying as I walk,
the stone you lie underneath
so peacefully will flowers grow
A chill wind sweeps me
Regretting what has been done
I know it cannot be changed
Regretting what we could have done
the outcome remains
The mind wanders
The pain lingers,
Haunts the fibres of my body
Shifting, remembering
Everything you were and
Did for us
The lessons you taught
is love that will not be bought
And you can be free
And the illness gone, angel
I dream of you, the feel of soft fur
Strokes my face
Takes me to a warm place
Where I can be with your purr
Words do not do justice
to that which hurts
words do not help
when all I want is above
And you can be free
And the illness gone, angel
Years piled,
Your body exiled
broken, rough
the time was never enough.
Until there are nights of no sleep.
Understand, that this absence bled so deep
I run, search and scream
Shivering, feet by leaves
You, etched in me forever
this heart so severed
The force beneath my eyes
As the tears stream and
Do not cease
I do not want to pretend,
for death is no end
And you can be free
And the illness gone, angel
Damp, heaviness weighs the air
I turn the incandescent light
out. There is nothing to see,
Only where,
You should be –
close to me, be me, next to me.
I am afraid of that which
comes next
empty and unable to face
anymore loss
holes, gaps, borders – they terrify
fly,
And you can be free
And the illness gone, angel